There’s that popular saying that no matter how evil, a person always has a good side. Now then, there’s also the reverse – no matter how good we want to be, there is always an evil side in us.
Ever experienced those times when you could literally feel the hidden horns in your head show itself to the world in slow motion – those times when, in the middle of doing something bad, your conscience managed to capture you, but consciously, you turned a deaf ear, and did it anyway?
I rushed to court today because I was running late. H was out of town, so I was sure to use his own car garage there. I usually park at my brother’s own garage inside the grounds of the court premises – he has two, one inside given him by my uncle who already transferred to another office and the one outside the gate given him by H. My brother never parks at the space given by my uncle and always parks outside. So, you could say, there’s an unspoken rule that that parking garage is mine. Because it’s not always everyday that I’m in court, my prosecutor friend parks there when he sees that my car is not there when he arrives.
This morning, I expected to park at H’s garage thinking my prosecutor friend has already used “my” parking space. The first thing I noticed when I drove in was that another car which I do not recognize was parked in the parking space of H and that did not look good to me. Good that “my” parking space was still vacant, so I settled there.
Catching my breath, I was glad the hearing in my court has not begun yet. I was cheerfully chatting with court personnel and other lawyers when a familiar looking employee slid beside me. He told me he was the one who parked at H’s parking space because blah, blah, blah…I blankly looked at him, clearly wondering why he’s telling me about it…Then, he asked to get my car keys — because he wanted to move my car out of “my” garage and transfer it to H’s. He will be vacating his car from H’s space and park my car there instead because my prosecutor friend has arrived and he had nowhere to park.
I immediately blurted a defiant “No” – and that took us both aback – him, bewildered why I brusquely refused and me, surprised at my unreasonable reply. At that precise moment, I came to my senses and knew I should say “yes” because it was the practical thing to do. Except, my bitchiness got the better of me. And rudely, this time, I rebuffed him again. Yeah, and I did that deliberately and willfully.
Where did that come from? Maybe I was pissed off because he parked at H’s parking space when it was not his in the first place. Maybe it was because I was equally annoyed with my prosecutor friend who had the gall to still want to park in “my” space when I’m already parked there. Maybe it was because he took me casually and carelessly demanded I give him my car keys as if we’re friends? Maybe because I felt he was overly confident when he interrupted me? Maybe it was because I was already in a foul mood, not getting enough sleep and waking up late because of watching a kdrama on a weeknight?
The excuses can go on and on to justify my outburst over what is now a petty thing actually. This is what always happens when the flare up of my temper has subsided and the voice inside my head tells me I’ve been bad and pangs of guilt envelop me. Then I think of what that person must have felt – embarrassment, shock, hate? Remorse is such an uncomfortable feeling, don’t you agree?
This lenten season I’m gonna try harder to keep those horns at bay.
P.S. BTW, just in case you’re wondering? The parking garages inside the hall of justice here are not for free – it’s bought from it’s previous owners who had it built. You might think that I was usurping the spaces : )